And that’s where many of us get stuck.
When someone tells me they “lack confidence”, my first instinct isn’t to fix anything. It’s to get curious. Because confidence isn’t a single, simple issue that can be solved with one mindset shift or a few positive affirmations.
It’s layered. It’s nuanced. And when we treat it like one thing, we often end up working on the wrong problem.
Over the years, through coaching, consulting and plenty of my own lived experience, I’ve noticed a pattern. People tend to blur two very different things: self-belief and ability. We assume that if something feels difficult or uncomfortable, it must mean we’re not good at it. Or worse, that something is wrong with us.
But that assumption is where a lot of unnecessary frustration begins.
Because self-belief and ability are not the same.
And learning to separate them can be incredibly freeing.
Self-belief and ability are not the same
Even though we often treat them as if they are.
Ability is about skill, knowledge, experience and practice. It’s the can I do this? Part. It’s built over time through learning, repetition, and feedback. It’s practical and tangible.
Self-belief is about trust in yourself. It’s the “Do I believe I can figure this out?” part. It’s your willingness to back yourself, even when something is new, uncertain, or uncomfortable.
And importantly. These two don’t always rise and fall together.
You can have high ability and low self-belief. Think about the person who is objectively skilled but constantly second-guesses themselves or avoids opportunities because they don’t feel “ready.”
You can also have strong self-belief and still be developing your ability. This is often what allows people to try new things, take risks, and grow quickly, even if they’re not yet experts.
Neither of these situations is a flaw. But they do require very different kinds of attention.
Where it gets messy
Most of us were never taught to separate self-belief from ability.
So when something doesn’t go well, our brains try to simplify the situation. We jump to broad, often unhelpful conclusions:
“I’m not confident enough.”
“I’m just not cut out for this.”
“Everyone else seems better than me.”
But when you slow down and look more closely, the issue is usually much more specific.
You might be confident in your role overall, but unsure in one particular setting, like speaking up in meetings or presenting to senior stakeholders.
You might be capable, but out of practice, which makes things feel harder than they actually are.
You might generally believe in yourself, but still struggle to trust your voice in certain environments or around certain people.
When we label all of this as a “confidence problem,” we lose clarity. And without clarity, it’s very hard to make meaningful progress.
The cost of mislabelling the problem
When we assume everything is a self-belief issue, we can get stuck in endless mindset work. We read the books, listen to the podcasts, repeat the affirmations, but avoid taking the practical steps that would actually build our capability.
On the other hand, when we assume everything is an ability issue, we can fall into over-preparing. We take more courses, gather more information, and keep trying to perfect our skills, yet still feel insecure because the real gap isn’t knowledge, it’s trust.
This is why so many people feel like they’re working hard on their confidence but not seeing the results they expected.
They’re solving the wrong problem.
A simple way to reflect
The next time you feel unsure try asking yourself a more precise question:
Do I genuinely lack the skill or experience here?
If the answer is yes, then this isn’t a confidence failure. It’s a development opportunity. The solution is to learn, practice, and give yourself permission to be a beginner.
Or do I have the ability, but I don’t fully trust myself to use it?
If that’s the case, then the work is about self-belief, not competence. It might involve building evidence of your competence, challenging unhelpful thoughts, or gradually putting yourself in situations where you can reinforce trust in your own capability.
Both are valid and are workable. But they need different approaches.
And the more accurately you can identify which one you’re dealing with, the more effective your efforts will be.
Confidence isn’t about becoming fearless or perfect. It’s about understanding yourself well enough to know what kind of support you actually need.
That’s where real progress begins.
Tune in weekly to the Decoding Confidence podcast, where I discuss confidence topics in more depth and share practical ways to build both self-belief and ability. You can also find free resources on my website.